Big lights will inspire you

It’s been a week since I got back from New York City and I’m still in withdrawal. I don’t know how people do it; come home and pretend like their lives are the same as when they left.

 I [re]fell in love in New York. I was happy in New York. I wasn’t so uptight in New York. 

 And if you know me, you know how hard it is not to be uptight. 

 I know I shouldn’t complain. I have a great apartment, a job people would kill their grandfather for, (despite the slight video game addition) the best boyfriend a girl could dream of, a loving mama, an adorable puppy (unfortunately not my OWN my own) and a small but really sturdy handful of truly good girl friends; I just couldn’t help but find it hard to come back from a place that made me feel so amazing to a place that has so many things I wish I could change. 

[That’s me, feeling all amazing and in awe in NYC.]

But I’ve never really been big on regret. My collective list of horribly awful and questionable decisions have shaped me into who I am today so I find it hard to apologize for thinking, acting and feeling the way I do. Even though I do it allllllll the fucking time. 

I make annoyingly passive statements like, “Sorry, I had to take off my makeup before bed, my eyes were killlllling me” and when it comes to girl friends, even if I’m simply telling someone how I feel, the I’m-sorry’s slip their way into casual conversation like sluts used to just slip into bed with my ex-boyfriends. 

But like I said, regret isn’t really my ‘thing’.

And lately, neither are patience, tolerance or respecting people who absolutely need to grow the hell up.

I don’t know what my ‘thing’ is anymore. Or if I ever had one to begin with. I’ve never been into politics, which ruined one friendship and counting. I once tried to be into religion, which ruined one relationship. I’ve never been into fashion and the one time I did end up falling in love with a pretty awesome, simple and incredibly inexpensive dress, I ended up losing it to someone who probably hated the fact that I had one article of clothing that didn’t make me envy all of hers.

I don’t have many hobbies, I’m soooo not athletic, I’ve never been titillated by foreign films or fine dining and I’ve never been low-maintenance enough to consider world travel. And even as indecisive as I’ve been most of my life, I just kind of hoped that by now, I’d have something bigger to want to reach for.

Then again, I also thought I’d be married with 2 kids, drive a limousine and own my own mansion by now, so I guess that’s just proof that life is rarely as predictable as MASH was when you cheated. 

I guess knowing what you don’t want is a start. And with the week and a bit I’ve had since I’ve been home, I’ve got plenty to add to that list.

Sleep tight my ponies,
XXOO