swimming, swimming in my swimming pool… when days are hot, when days are cold… in my swimming pool… breast stroke, side stroke, fancy diving too… oh don’t you wish you never had anything else to do butttt………

Hmm…

My room smells like chlorine and I have never been happier about it. I went swimming on Tuesday and although I do not feel like my body is even close to being fit enough for a bikini (or for the fabulous swimming hunk I went with), I did have probably the best time ever. And my tattoos went over quite well.

***

In the last 48 hours I have received 3 of probably the world’s most strange text messages:

# 1: “I miss talking Batman to you”
# 2: “Come back here so I can talk mathematics to you”

I have a better idea, why not just talk normal to me?
I simply replied “well that’s nice of you,” because really, what do you say to something like that? Do I come across as the type of person who enjoys people talking to them in a deep, husky voice or gets turned on by equations and algorithms? Perhaps that is how I come across, and if so, I really need to do something about that. I almost failed grade 11 math.

# 3: “How is your va***a doing?” [you can probably figure out what that word is – think, yucky]

That got no response. Obviously. I really don’t enjoy awkwardly sexual text messages that come out of left field. I do, however, love getting random text messages from people when the content doesn’t have to do with body parts the sending party hasn’t even seen.

***

I’ve decided what I want for Christmas. All the girls know what I really want, but if a guy asks about this picture, I’ll just tell him I like Leighton Meester’s scarf.

I’ve also decided to make a couple Christmas time resolutions that I really hope I can keep in through the New Year.

# 1: Will stop texting/returning texts from the following people: AppleBoy, Batman, and The Doctor.
# 2: Will start having MARTINI nights and fabulous parties with girlfriends. Possibly will also purchase full body PJ’s and will have PJ parties.
# 3: Will end all casual dating. If no sensible boyfriend/manfriend is found, will remain single and fabulous until I turn 40, when I will then marry my high school BFF L because, otherwise I will be in breach of contract. And let’s face it, I’d rather be married to a girl and have a sexless marriage than have to pay the legal fines.
# 4: # 3 is a joke, but seriously, will end all casual dating/hanging out.
# 5: Will stop eating McD’s, pizza, and excess amounts of mayo and will make an HONEST attempt at getting a fabulously hot body for future boyfriend/manfriend.
# 6: Will try and get rid of Facebook. After my birthday, of course, and will stop sleeping with my Blackberry.
***

I think I am FINALLYYYY starting to catch on to some Beyonce. I can do the hand movements, the walk that looks like you’re digging for something, and the clapping. It is a LOT harder than it looks and I am feeling quite embarrassed about the whole scenario. Not embarrassed enough to stop talking about it though. The following are the moves I have actually mastered. Please note: Simplicity. I think I have mastered the 4 EASIEST dance moves in the entire world. Why? Because they are not even dance moves at all. They are standing in one spot (except 1) and moving your  hands. I have seen “Bring It On,” I have worked my spirit fingers. And the other not standing still dance move? It’s pretty much like digging a hole and walking at the same time.

***

I’ve decided I have a new female celebrity crush. I do love Ashley Olsen and Cammy D but I am starting to rethink things based on the new GQ cover I was direct towards this morning. She’s HOT!

The image I get from her tabloid fiascos lately is that she’s not completely unlike me. She’s terrible at holding onto relationships. She wanted to have John Mayer’s baby (only difference between her and I in this situation is she actually IS having John Mayer’s baby…or babies if you believe Star Magazine). And she dislikes Angelina Jolie. Only she has better hair. Amongst other things.

***

Yesterday was weird. I am not a fan of getting myself into situations that I can’t easily get out of and yesterday I got myself into one. I guess technically I didn’t get myself into it so much as the situation arose from nowhere and it was man-overboard all ‘round. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time. I haven’t cried at work in a long time (not since that girl died on the streetcar and I was crying uncontrollably all day for no reason – long story). I haven’t wanted to run home, crawl in bed, and sleep the day off in a long time. All of those things happened yesterday and all of those things sucked. Good thing I’ve somehow learned to compartmentalize the things in my life that I have no desire to deal with. I was able to walk it off. I’m sure it’ll be back eventually to screw up my shit once again….

Later babies!